Zack Attack
by OhJay
Summary: Squall get's a call from Laguna asking him to check out a monster on Lunar Base. It seems simple, but it isn't at all what he's expecting. Oneshot, implied SquallxRinoa.


_**Zack Attack**_

It all started when Squall was minding his own business and quietly doing his paperwork in his office. It had been over a year since Ultimecia's defeat, and everything was more or less calm and peaceful. He was getting used to his job as Commander of Balamb's Garden, as well as his steady relationship with Rinoa.

He had just finished signing one of the many documents he had to look over when his phone rang. He sighed as he took it out of his pocket, and frowned when he saw the caller ID. On the screen was a little smiling chibi figure of Laguna, hugging a smaller chibi figure of Squall that was glaring up at him. His eye twitched, remembering when everyone had gotten together at the last Garden Festival, stole his phone, and added their own little personal caller ID picture. Apparently this was Laguna's.

Not wanting to deal with his annoying and moronic father, he hit the ignore button, then tossed his phone into his desk drawer. With that he picked up the next document and began reading it, only to be interrupted by his phone once more. He guessed it was Laguna again, and knew if it was him then it had to important. He sighed as he took out his phone once more, seeing that his suspicions were correct.

"Yeah?" he asked as he flipped it open.

"'Yeah'? Not even a 'hello' or 'nice to hear from you' for your father? That hurts, Squall..."

Squall rolled his eyes.

"I'm kinda busy right now."

"It's important, I promise. I've got a job for a SeeD."

"Why didn't you just send in an official written request?" Squall asked.

"Like either of us need more paperwork."

He could agree on that one. He may have only had a few small stacks to get to, but with Laguna being the President of Esthar as well as a procrastinator he knew that he had tons more to deal with.

"I'm telling you, it was a lot easier when our borders were closed..." Laguna muttered.

"Please just get to the point," Squall said, his patience growing thin.

"Oh, right," Laguna said, making Squall sigh. "There's an intruder out at the Lunar Base."

"What kind of intruder?" he asked.

"Most of the staff has been evacuated, and those who saw it said it was a 'zombie monster thing'. No one knows how it got there."

"So you just want a SeeD to get rid of it?"

"Yep."

"Alright, I'll see what I can do."

"Thanks, Squall."

After he hung up, Squall pulled up the files of the SeeD's up on his computer so he could see who was available. He frowned as he read through the list. All his friends were already out on other missions, and all who were left were just a few newly inducted SeeD members. The mission sounded easy enough, but he wasn't sure about sending people with hardly any experience. In the end, he decided that it would be best if he went himself.

* * *

><p>When Squall got up to the Lunar Base, he found a total of three staff members. The rest had already evacuated. They told him that they had sealed the monster inside the cafeteria, wished him best of luck, then hurried to an escape pod.<p>

He headed towards the cafeteria with his gun blade drawn and ready. The cafeteria doors were locked to keep the monster in, so he quietly undid the lock, then leaned up against the wall. He opened the door slowly, hoping that the monster would come out and he could take it by surprise.

He waited patiently for a few minutes waiting for it to come out, but nothing happened. He decided to take a peek. He slowly poked his head around the corner, ready for anything.

What he saw was not anything like what he expected. There, sitting calmly at a table was a zombie munching on a cinnamon roll. His black sweater was full of bullet holes and splattered with blood like the rest of him, but other than that, he just looked like a normal guy.

"Hey" he said casually with his mouth full. "You seen any tacos around here?" he asked.

"..."

The man shrugged and returned to his cinnamon roll. "Guess not then."

"Looking for this, Zack?"

They both turned to the voice, and saw Sephiroth standing there with Masamune in his left hand, and a perfectly good taco in the other. He was smirking, and Zack's eyes narrowed at him, knowing that he was planning on doing anything but giving it to him.

"Seph," he warned. "If you do ANYTHING to that taco I'm gonna-"

But Sephiroth didn't listen, and he purposely dropped it to the floor. Zack watched in horror as it fell in slow motion, then finally splattered on the ground, completely ruined. He whimpered, teared up a bit then glared at Sephiroth as he stood and drew his Buster Sword.

"That does it!" he yelled. "First you destroy Nibelheim, then you kill my girlfriend, next you try to destroy the world twice, and now you ruin my taco? I'll kill you!"

"We're already dead, you idiot," Sephiroth pointed out.

"...Oh, right…"

Zack pondered this, realizing that killing him when both of them were already dead was pointless. Then, he remembered that Squall was there.

"Hey, quiet emo guy-"

"I'm not emo."

"Yeah ok, but anyway, he's right; we're dead, so what should I do?"

"Why are you asking me?" he asked, rather annoyed. "I just came here because you were freaking the staff out-"

"Hey, I just wanted a taco, ok?" Zack told him.

"Are we going to fight or not?" Sephiroth asked. "Mother's getting impatient," he said as he held up Jenova's head.

It was then that Zack got an idea, and he smiled.

"I know what I'm gonna do," he said as he faced Sephiroth in a fighting stance. "I'm gonna kick your ass and take your precious mother away from you!"

When they started fighting, Squall was completely forgotten about, and was just left standing there not knowing what to do. He still didn't really know what was going on, but decided to stay out of their personal battle. He would ask them to leave when it was over.

So he stood back silently as they traded blows, taking notice that both of them were very skilled with their swords. However, after a few minutes he got rather bored, and just wanted one of them to end it. He got his wish when Zack suddenly took a dead fish out of his pocket, and began smacking Sephiroth in the face with it as hard as he could. This resulted in Sephiroth being violently pushed back into a wall, denting it, and being knocked out.

"Oh yeah!" Zack shouted, as the victory theme suddenly started playing in the background and he gained lots of Exp.

"Ahem."

Zack flinched, then turned around and saw Aerith and Angeal standing behind him with their arms crossed.

"Honestly Zack. I let you out of my sight for one moment, and you disappear to go cause trouble." Angeal said.

"But I-"

"No 'buts' Zack."

"He started the fight!" he said, pointing at Sephiroth as he got up and dusted himself off.

"Mother encouraged it."

Sephiroth held up her head to prove his point, only for Aerith to snatch it from him.

"Your remnants have been complaining that you won't share," she told him.

"Of course I don't share! They all just whine, cry, and won't shut up about her!"

But they all ignored him, and Aerith turned to Squall.

"Sorry about any trouble all this caused, we'll be leaving now," she said politely before dissolving into green streams of light and disappearing.

The others soon followed, leaving Squall standing there alone, now more confused than ever. This was officially the weirdest mission he had ever been on.

_**Author's Notes**_

I've been wanting to do a FFVIIXFFVIII crossover for a little while, and I got this crack idea form my wonderful beta reader **shippudenfanatic **(the whole dead fish thing is an inside joke between us). I would also like to thank my good friend Callie, who gave me the whole taco idea and also helped with editing a bit. I am planning to write a non crack crossover some point soon after I come up with a decent plot (ideas welcome). But for now...

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